AFTER christmas.

WOW do i ever feel like a friggin whale. I can just feel my stomach fighting against my pants.. and rib cage. Im squishing it, the way I'm sitting right now.
Anyhow, I haven't written in here that much. It's not that I don't want too, I just write in my other journal.. my REAL journal.. you know... paper?
it's so  much faster to type though. So lately I've been watching too much Dexter..too much as in, it can't be good for me. The dialoogue in it is amazing. haha dialoogue, im not even gonna correct that typo.
It really makes me think.
Lately I've been really craving to read a good book.. something that I can relate too and stay interested in, since I have the worst A.d.d in history. I've said taht alot today; the phrase "the worst in history".. haha you know thoughs words, or phrases that you just seem to keep recognizing, or keep saying  by accident through out the day.. maybe not, but it happens to me. Any way back to my point, I went on a tangent just after I said A.d.d.. (this must be so hard to follow haha).
But the reason I've been craving to read is I'm having a really hard time expressing myself lately to people, communicating in general face to face.. It seems that I don't find the right words to explain myself. I want a better vocabulary is what it is.. I just want to be able to explain myself clearly without fumbling and mumbling my words. I have a hard time connecting with humans as it is.. and when I have an opinion on something it's always best to explain yourself and why you feel that way without saying "well.. just because it is!!". But ya, I am craving a better vocabulary, better focus and just intelligence/ wisdom in general. I feel like I'm stupid lately. Just an ignorant person prancing around life with my head full of ideas, but has no ability to let other people understand them.

So I've been feeling pretty lazy lately. See, being lazy is a viscious cycle.
It's like, you want to relax and be lazy, and then it happens and then you don't want to do anything else.. but you start to get depressed about not doing anything, and then because you are depressed you don;t want to do anything.. Am I fucked?  haha
I tried to sing today, i was on voice rest for about 1 week, and I tried singing.. I kinda hurt myself, but I sounded better. Hopefullly tomorrow I'll sound alright. Singing is a release for me. I don't know what it is.. I have a hard time accepting certain things in life ie the expectations other people have for you, the standard ways to greet someone, what you should be doing, how you should do this that, and the judgements and just the way peoples attitudes are in general, and it can really get me down. And I just don't understand it sometimes becasue my mind doesn't think in a box like that.. if that makes any sense at all. But the one thing that I'm getting at is the one thing i understand is music. Music without even words in the song, I can hear a drum beat a guitar riff and just feel friggin great. And it inspires me, makes me think, and helps me understand myself more.. I know some people will think "what the crap... how!?"
In all honesty, I don't know how either.. But it has that effect on me. Maybe I'm an alien from another planet. I know there's people out there that feel and think this way too.. (which prob have better vocabularies haha). But I just need to PWN my skills, interests, and talents. I haven't really worked on them.. I've been a lazy ass my whole life. I dont even know what I am rambelling about anymore. haha it's all just words. See words don't do it .
K I'm done!

Weirdofacehead.

spell check's for loonies

Not to quote from a my chemical romance song. But seriously, this is a perfect title for what I am about to write about....

 THE Boyfriend told me today, not in those exact words of course. It was very slowed down, with lost of words in their and filler that kind of sugar coated what he was trying to say. And that of course is "I dont love you anymore, sorry".
I was in shock really, didn't even see it coming. I almost actually started laughing cause I was like HUH. We've been together for 2 and a half years, going on three. I have never been so in love with someone my whole life. He used the "I love you, but im not IN LOVE with you" statement. What the hell does that even mean, and if you are about to answer that how the hell do you know, isn't it all about perceptions anyway. I hate when people say stupid statements that some person applied to their life and took it as truth for THEM,  then we all take it as it's FACT, and that it automatically  applies to us. ANYWAY I've always been the one to end relationships in the past. But I never knew he had it in him to tell me that. It was a very mature conversation, no yelling or screaming, just alot of held back tears to try to get to the bottom of why things ended up the way they did. You know, the pain of losing someone is probably the worst pain you'll ever feel. That's if you truly feel like you love someone. Nothing can compare to this pain. I've gone through alot of things in my life that I thought would end my life. Like my family breaking up, people leaving me behind to fend for myself . I've had some pretty traumatic experiences, and NOTHING, absolutely NOTHING, compares to this feeling in my heart and stomach. God. (not even in a slang sense, not even in taking his name in vain) in like , Oh God. Why this pain. 
It's unbarrable almost, to the point where I want to end it. Its 4:34 am righ tnow.
I just can't sleep
Not that anyone will ever read this.
 So we talked, I held back my tears and tried to act strong, and I just asked questions like, when were you planning on telling me.. and how do you think this happend, and I thought that he'd for sure be the one I'd be with for the rest of our lives. It was long distance I guess, and it was hard to work on communication. And some where along the lines he has changed. I havent. Out of everything in my life I have ever been sure of (and thats not alot) I was 98% sure about him. The other 2%'s were just about myself thinking I have bad luck. Seriously, how do people recover from this. How do they move on and see other people. Starting over again looks so gloomy and sketchy. I know people say "you'll move on, and get over it".
 Sersiously, I know there's truth in this somehow, but the fact that I pretty much have no one to lean on right now, and I've lost all connection with God because I dont know anymore. I really just dont know anymore. Where the hell is the truth in this life. When so many people lie to us everyday. Who can you trust... How can you even stay positive. I should sleep but my brain wont let me even though it is tired and my body is screaming for a back massage. I just dont even know what to think of my life. He was my life plan. Maybe I gave him too much power over my happiness. 
Why can't people that love eachother just...keep loving eachother. UGH why do i have this obviously false idea of how life should be. How I think everything should go swell, and that the old man on the street is a nice man that will play chess with me and tell me about the time he painted and carved a malard duck out of mahogany. haha, not anymore. He'll maybe sell me some drugs and ask me if I have a younger brother.
Anyway. seriously, has society... disney movies.. i dont know, have people told us that life is great life is good. How about telling people the truth like.. Your life will be totaly SHIT, UNLESS you guard your grill and try to make it better. You know, it's almost like it's so hard when it doesnt come easy.. You know.. 
Maybe I'm just coming form a negative, broken hearted point of view. Im tired none of this probably makes sense and My vocabulary is SHIT right now.
Bye.